Signs that someone is controlling (2023)

Controlling people want to be in control or claim power over another person. Perhaps intimidating, bossy and domineering in their attempts to get their way by manipulating others.

Examining another person's behavior closely can make you feel angry, embarrassed, or even arouse feelings of inferiority and despair. It can be and often becomes abusive, especially if it scares or intimidates you.

When someone in your life takes control, it's important to reach out to supportive friends or family members. Learn to strengthen your boundaries and talk to a therapist if possible.

Read on to find outSigns of controlling behavior, why it happens, when behavior becomes abusive and how to deal with it.

What is controlling behavior?

Controlling behavior occurs when a person attempts to manipulate another person into conforming to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation. This excessive desire for control is unhealthy, unhelpful, and can create conflict in relationships, but it's not always abusive.

Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is compulsive (threatening). This behavior involves constant deterioration and threats that can lead to itdomestic violence. Several studies have shown that being able to control behavior is associated with a higher likelihood of physical aggression or abuse.

Signs of controlling behavior

Controlling people don't always use the same tactics, but there are some common behaviors that can indicate a controlling personality. Here are some examples of behavior control.

It's her way or the highway

Controlling people are often rigid and insist that everything should be the way they want it to be. They are often not adaptable and may not be receptive to the suggestions or opinions of others.

You want to be the center of attention

They have a strong need to be the center of attention and focus on them. When the people they're checking ask about your life, they're often quick to steer the conversation back to themselves. For example, if you are not feeling well or having a bad day, they may say that they are worse off or that their day was more difficult than yours.

They always criticize you

You may be very critical of your actions and feel that there is a "right" or better way to do things. In their eyes, this could be a way to help you improve. They may contain subtle remarks or interrupt you to point out minor criticisms of your words or actions. For example, when you've accomplished something, they might comment on how you could have done better, or they might congratulate you, but then dig at you or joke about you.

They keep you away from friends and family

A controlling person can seem unduly jealous of other people in your life, even close family members and other platonic relationships. You may be constantly asking where you've been or who you'd like to meet, or get upset when you're spending time with someone else. They may even try to prevent you from seeing your friends or family.

You blame others

Controlling people feel like nothing is wrong. They will use a technique known as projection to shift responsibility back onto you. They may even blame you for things they have done themselves, so they cannot be blamed.

You are manipulative

They are extremely manipulative. Manipulation is one of the main components of controlling people, because manipulating others gives them a sense of power and control.

They light you up with gas

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where a person tries to convince you that you are overreacting or imagining problems that do not exist. Someone may even try to convince you that you are crazy in order not to take responsibility for certain actions. When this happens frequently, it can make you question your memory or judgment.

They don't respect borders

Controlling people don't usually respect other peopleThe limits. In healthy relationships, the boundaries between two people are respected and valued. For the controlling person, a boundary is an obstacle to their need for control.

They're trying to make you feel bad

Controlling people can create guilt and make them do what they want. For example, they can make you feel guilty about spending time with friends rather than them.

You are unpredictable

They are often unpredictable. They can go from cheerful to irritable, moody, and grumpy quickly, especially when they don't manage it.

They don't take no for an answer

A controlling person may become angry when you say "no" and often go to great lengths to get you to change your mind, including making it seem like you have no choice but to refuse their demands.

They justify their behavior as "just kidding"

They may make fun of you or put you down, and if you question the comment they will say they are "just kidding" or accuse you of not taking a joke. This differs from playful banter in that it has a certain edge to it and makes the other person feel ridiculous and uncomfortable.

You keep points

Usually they keep a mental scorecard. If they have done something for you, you will be reminded of it and they may use the guilt to get what they want from you. This rating generally stays in their favor and they will get more than they give.

they try to change you

A controlling person may tell you how to dress or criticize your appearance. They may mock your interests and try to trick you into adopting their interests. They may hide or even throw away things that are important to you, such as hobby supplies or a favorite piece of clothing.

They use intimidation

Bullying can take many different forms. Someone saying bad things about you in front of others is a form of bullying. Threats – both violent and non-violent – ​​are another form of bullying. For example, the person could threaten to reveal a secret or run away with your children. They can also threaten to harm you or someone you care about.

Reasons for behavior control

Control is a basic social need. It conveys a sense of predictability, stability and order. For some people, this need for control becomes unhealthy.

insecurity andIt arisescan lead to controlling behavior. Instead of employing healthy coping strategies, controlling people want to control the world around them to feel better about themselves.

Often controlling behavior is the result of a mental illness that causes a person to have abnormal social expectations.

Likeanxiety disordercan, for example, lead to controlling behavior. A person with a personality disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder lacks empathy for other people, which can also lead to controlling behavior.

People may also exhibit controlling behaviors due to an excessive sense of responsibility towards others.

Dealing with controlling behavior

It can be difficult to deal with people with controlling behaviors. It can be exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. In these cases, self-care and support for your well-being are vital.

Here are some ways to deal with scrutinizing the people in your life:

• support and connection: Communicate more frequently with people in your support network. It is important to have supportive relationships where others can validate and validate your reality, feelings, and perceptions.
• Treatment: Working with a psychologist can help you develop healthy coping strategies for dealing with the controlling people in your life.
• yoga and exercise:EmphasizeIt is often stored as tension in the body. Yoga and exercise can help release tension in your body, thereby reducing your stress levels.
• Progressive Relaxation: Another way to calm your nervous system and release tension in the body is through progressive muscle relaxation. There are online guided meditations that support you in consciously relaxing your muscles.
• Strengthen your limits: Learn how to confidently say no and set clear boundaries.

Partners with controlled behavior

A controlling partner may say things that negate or reject your reality and perceptions. If you point them out to something they've done, they might show it to you.

It can be difficult not to lose yourself and a sense of reality in such relationships when control is your partner's goal and they don't care what is in your best interest.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can include things like:

• "I was just kidding. you are too sensitive Can't take a joke?"
• "I did not mean it like that. I don't know why you have to start a fight when everything is fine."
• "Why did you turn around and leave like that? I told you to go the other way.

ways to respond: Regardless of how the controlling partner behaves, you may need to find ways to counter it respectfully. Here are some tips:

• stay calm: The less reactive you are, the better. It's their choice to scream, trip and sulk. You can choose to stay cool.
• Use "I" statements.: "I" statements imply that you are speaking only from your own point of view. Starting sentences with "You did that" or "When you" puts the other person on the defensive.
• take your time: Protect yourself by asking for more time. You can say something like, “I need to think about this. I come again later."
  

What if you are the controlling person?

If you are a controlling person, awareness is the first step. We cannot change what we cannot even see. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

• Healthy Coping Skills: Maybe you learned as a kid that you can't rely on anyone but yourself, so you learned to manage that as best you could. These coping skills, once worked, can negatively impact your adult relationships. Working with a psychologist can help you learn healthy coping skills.
• Soften your tone: Maybe you're used to being inelegant and giving orders. Think of ways to tone down your tone to make others feel more comfortable.
• Try to understand first: Practice really listening to what others are saying. They may make assumptions about what is best for them, but that may not include their point of view or perspective. Try listening to the person and repeating what you heard to make sure you both understand.
• Offer a sincere apology: Nobody is perfect and we all have areas of growth that we need to work on. Honestly admitting your mistakes can go a long way in restoring and healing your relationships. Show you're sorry by changing your behavior.

Summary

Controlling people attempt to gain power and control over others through manipulative tactics such as finger-pointing, judgment, and turning others off. They may not be aware that they are exhibiting this behavior, which is often due to their own fear.

You can deal with controlling people by setting boundaries, being clear, and using "I" statements. If you are a controlled person, working with a psychologist can help you develop healthy coping skills.

A word from Verywell

Relationships with controlling people can be challenging. It can be helpful to strengthen your personal boundaries and have supportive people around you. Be sure to look out for signs that a person's controlling behavior has turned into abuse. When you need to end a relationship, you can count on a trusted group of people to help you end things in a healthy and safe way.